why / more properly Raison d'Être

so, my good friend Rosan is currently organizing Horizons Polaris. i gotta show up and support her.

unfortunately, due to a combination of multiple life factors, i've been struggling really hard with depression and burnout for the better part of a year now.

furthermore, my underlying executive dysfunction makes it naturally difficult to get stuff started and prioritized properly, coupled with my doomscrolling addiction taking up a huge chunk of my time.

as a result, coding has been a really difficult effort for me, and the last time i touched an IDE was back in March when i had to get my flight stipend for my last hackathon.

needless to say, i'm rusty as hell -- but not just rusty, i also have this inherent limitation that makes it much, much more difficult to get anything done.

i really, genuinely want to make and ship cool stuff. out of a desire to create, but also out of anxiety -- if i'm not creating anything cool, then i'm falling behind my peers.

i've kind of offshored my creativity towards writing a lot more, but i ultimately want to get back into code and hardware.

so, Doohickey is a low-stakes, low-pressure environment to get over all of this and getting back into the rhythm of making.

i don't want to live life as drifting through and merely consuming. i want to create. i want to make things. maybe not things that will matter for everyone, but things that are, at least, meaningful to me.

i am hopeful that eventually my drive to build and code returns. but for now, i'm going to try and get through this through discipline.

7 days left, 35 hours to go.

Κύριε Ἰησοῦ Χριστέ, Υἱέ τοῦ Θεοῦ, ἐλέησόν με ἁμαρτωλόν